Don't get infected! Use protection!
by Peppo
Summary: Ron and lavender are informed on the dangers of unprotected sex. Harry battles Volders in the nude. I wrote this before I had the internet so I am posting it now. Very random. Very Out of charachter. Very amusing.


Hello all. This is Peppo again. Hiya. My insanity was feeling quite satisfied with my daily exploits for quite awhile so for awhile I did not feel the need to inflict any insanity and/or mental bleeding/pictures upon you all but, alas, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince came out but a short while ago. As we all know, or at least those of us who have actually _read _ the books coughpaigecough we know that the golden trio get a bit of tarnish on their shiny golden exterior if ya know what I mean nudge nudge. You don't? Oh, well, I meant that ronald Hermione and Harry all get frisky with each other and others. One of these others that I have mentioned is lavender. Lavender! Bloody Laven-fricking -der. This caught my attention (how can it not, JKR actually described them as fish. Phish. Ha ha. Words are fun). I have always been a Ron/Hermione shipper (and a Harry/Draco shipper but that will come in later... don't laugh. those fan fictions are funny.) so I obviously disliked Lavender in the sixth book from the first girlishly giddy giggle (ALLITERATION! God I love words!) I hated her. Now, this little ditty is getting much too long (and I keep interrupting myself)(see what I mean?)(Shut up brain!) So I am going to start the story. Have fun all you small children out there! Remember! don't smoke crack... snort it.

"He's here!" Harry screamed, bursting through the door in a dramatic entrance worthy of any of Pingy's fan fictions.

"Who's here?" Ron asked after audibly separating himself from _Lavender_.

"You-know-who!" Harry cried, digging his fingernails into the unprotected flesh of his face. "Owww! I can feel the diseases flooding into my head!"

Anna casually strode into the Gryffendor common room.

"Murrf furf mur mur yurf foofing frar? (what the fuzz are you doing here?)" Ron asked through _Lavender's_ head.

"I came to sing a special little ditty for Harry, who was foolish enough to, and I quote the author here, 'dig his fingernails into the _unprotected _ flesh of his face,'" Anna stated cheerfully.

_Don't get infected_

_use protection_

_Do do do do do doot! _

Anna then threw an handful of condoms into the air like confetti, took a bow, and happily skipped from the room. Harry ogled after her in what was obviously confusion. Even Ronaldo separated himself from _Lavender_ for a moment. Since everyone was staring at the wake of death and destruction that Anna had left trailing after her (namely condoms and guilty looking people), Pingy was the only one who noticed the fact that Ron was staring at the small mountain on condoms that lay on the floor with a look on his face as though he had forgotten something very important. Due to the omnipresent power that is gifted to every author of fan fiction, Pingy also saw that _Lavender_ was officially 1 hour pregnant... with 19-tuplets... due to be born on Ron's birthday. Happy birthday Ron!

Movie Screen Pauses as Pingy walks out onto the stage

I would just like it to be known to everyone that since Ron's birthday is in March and the baby is born on his birthday and the gestation period of Humans is 9 months that would mean that the baby was conceived in June at which time the Hogwarts students would either a) be out of school or b) nearly out of school and due to events in the previous books this does not fit in anywhere so please just ignore this fact. we shall pretend that either wizards have shorter gestation period or due to an evil, ron-stealing, whore, slut, bitch, fucking Satanistic, antichristal person named, dare I say it? _Lavender_ Shudder being the mother, it is destined to be a very premature birth. Sorry to have interrupted your movie. Please continue.

Pingy walks offstage and movie resumes

Ron and she-devil-who-shall-not-be-named (_Lavender_) began to retreat to a really ominous and random shrubbery in the middle of the common room. The reason of the bush and the couple's obvious evil intent really doesn't need to be specified, but I am happy to say that as ron and she-bitch prepared to enter the bush, Alison popped out, threw a handful of condoms in their faces and happily sang.

_Don't get infected_

_Use protection_

_Doo do do do do doot!_

"Jesus Christ! There is more then one!" Ron screamed. Then, just because Pingy is the author and thus has the authority (Author... Authority. Get it? I love words) to, Ron's voice randomly deepened drastically and the camera spun 'round him dramatically as he yelled "I have the Power!" Then He-man/Ron picked up the she-devil and threw her out the window. The window. The 552nd story window. With a heave and a ho and a mighty throw the bitch went out the window.

A chorus of munchkins marched through the door and started parading, singing the following song:

_Ding dong the Bitch is dead_

_The frigid bitch_

_The frigid bitch_

_Ding dong the frigid bitch is dead_

The next day

"He's here!" Harry screamed, bursting through the door... again.

"Who's here?" Ron asked after audibly separating himself from Hermione (now that's more like it. Still disturbing, but alas...).

"You-know-who!" Harry cried, twitching violently.

"Do I?" Ron asked innocently.

"Do you what?" Harry squealed.

"I don't think I know who." Ron stated calmly.

"How can you not know? He is only the person that I have fought every year except the third year and that was just really weird. I wonder why the original author just decided to break her chain. WAIT! I didn't fight him sixth year either! MULTIPLES OF THREE ARE SAFE FROM HIS EVIL! Crap. Three doesn't go into 7. WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE. Oh my god oh my god! Oh my go–"

Harry would have finished his sentence but Pingy grew bored with his endless ranting and decided that the time was right to kill him off and allow Neville to take his proper destiny into hand. "Neville deserves to be the one to kill Voldy!" Pingy screamed. "Neville is the chosen one! Fwahahaha! Fwahahaha! Fwahaha–"

Suddenly someone who had sense came up and hit Pingy over the head with a steel toed boot. "Sorry about that folks" The masked savior stated. "I will now proceed with bringing the real chosen one back to life." There was a scream as the rotten and decaying body of Voldemort appeared and began Avada Kedavra-ing the hell out of everything. "Ummm... sorry aout that folks. I'll just leave Pingy to fix this problem..." Then the cowardly man in a mask ran away and locked himself in a bomb shelter.

Nursing a large bump on her head, Pingy grudgingly brought ze potter child back to life with a mumble of "damned masked saviours..."

"I smell evil!" Harry called the moment he returned to the land of the living. "I smell the foul smell of..._VOLDY!!"_

"That smell isn't evil," Pingy told Harry. "It is the smell of decayed humanish flesh."

"Why, pray tell, would the smell of human flesh be upon us?" Harry asked innocently.

"Look over there." Pingy said, pointing behind Harry.

Harry turned. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUCK" He screamed, earning a strange look from Pingy. He cleared his throat and continued in a much more reasonable tone. "What, pray tell, is that, madamoiselle Pingy?" He asked in a southern drawl for some reason.

"That be Voldermort, yo." Pingy said, with a gangster-type accent. "Some fucking messed up fucker in a mask brought him the fuck back to life. Deal wid it yo!" And with the last word she ran from the room and closed the door behind her.

When Harry tried to open the door he discovered that it was physically, magically, spiritually, and psychologically locked. "ALOHOMORA!" he screamed as Voldy began to shoot spells at him.

"Nice try ickle harry!" The disenbodied voice of Pingy laughed. "Now! Do your deed!"

"IDONWANNA! SAVE ME! SAVE ME! HELP!" Harry cried. Tears of terror ran down his face as he fell to the ground in a weeping mass.

"Hmm..." Voldemort though aloud. "I see a vulnerable young man lying on the floor and he is naked" Pingy had grown bored and _accio_ed all of Harry's clothes off. I guess she grew bored and decided that some rape would spice things up.

That was when the author grew incredibly depressed for reasons that are only known to her and decided that the world would be a better place if everyone _died_.

The fucking end.


End file.
